After a recent literary conversation, followed by a similar religious conversation I have been thinking a lot about linear lives.
Because we don't really live linearly.
But the only time our lives are linear is the present. When we look at the past (or the future) we pick out moments.
The time I fell rollerblading down the big hill behind my house.
Sitting in hot tub on our honeymoon, watching Home Alone 2, because it is especially romantic.
Finding out my mom was pregnant with Kathryn-to-be.
Wrestling a pillow away from Travis in the middle of the night.
Playing crack the whip on the pond behind our house.
They're not all events. They're just memories.
And with some effort I could probably put them into chronological order.
But not linear order.
They're like beads on a thread. A moment. A moment. A moment.
But they're not just a thread alone.
Yesterday morning I woke up, and Travis had his arm thrown over my waist and was sharing my pillow and I thought of a moment when I was in high school.
I wasn't depressed in high school, I was usually pretty happy. But I remember being about 15 and lying in my bed, sobbing myself to sleep.
I just kept wishing and praying that my life would pass quickly and I would wake up one morning and be
exactly where I am now.
And that did not happen.
I had to live life at the normal speed for the last 7 years.
And when I look back it's not a blur. Even now, it doesn't seem to me that it "sped by," although I am amazed at how quickly time flies.
I am, of course, grateful that I had all of the experiences I did, and that they didn't happen especially quick.
But at the same time... my 15 year old self knew what was up.
Because I have never been so happy as I am now.
Mormons believe that being married is ordained of God. We're supposed to be married.
I was made to be married.
It's everything I ever hoped it would be.
And nearly every day I slide another little bead, a moment, a happiness on to my thread.
And think, "I will remember this forever."
(even if I won't)
And my chronological, but non-linear life is perfectly perfect and ideally ideal.