un-liking

i feel a little sick.
actually sick. maybe it's a guilty stomach ache, maybe i'm just uncomfortable.
but i feel almost car-sick. i feel like throwing up.

i know how to make boys like me.
i don't know how to make boys un-like me.

i try so, so hard not to lead boys on, but i must be leading freaking everyone i meet on, unintentionally.
kevin said it's because i'm nice, and treat people kindly, even when i'm not interested.
my bad. that freaking sucks.
for me.
for them.

i went on a date tonight with a friend-- at least that's all i want.
it was weird because i when i have no agenda, i am able to be myself wholly. however, the boys for which i have no agenda are usually those most interested in me.
and the other way around.
we all know how that goes, i think.
how the heck do you say that to someone? because i've tried that crap boys like to tell me that they want to hear.
i've tried saying to boys: i just want to be friends, nothing more.
straight out. no hints. no tricks.
i know how poorly that usually goes over.

i can be mean.
most of you have seen me at extreme means. i want to swear, in my description of my kinetic meanness, but i have grandmothers who read this blog. :)
and even that doesn't usually deter the people i wish it would.
i used to slap eli across the face for no reason whatsoever.
we were still best friends, and he still asked me out.
what the hell, boys? none of you make sense.
girls make sense.

i tried to leave the car quickly at the end of the date, so he wouldn't walk me to my door.
when i was already two (count them, two) flights up, he got out, and chased me to the landing, and followed me the rest of the way up.
that's the sort of thing i don't know how to handle.

remember, i'm only pretending to be an adult? situations like that are still beyond me.
so i took out my keys super fast, and tried to get inside before he could hug me, or worse.
this post seems mean.
i like him, as a friend.
this is just me being confused about handling awkward situations.
like saturday night dates that are fun until the last fifteen minutes, when you know what's coming.
and don't know how to stop the inevitable.