clap your hands

I am trying to reconcile my beliefs.
More specifically, my religious beliefs and my Peter Pan beliefs.

Here's the problem: I may believe in the evolution of animals, but I think God created man as MAN. Now, If god created Adam and Eve as adults then the first baby ever born was Cain.
When the first baby laughed for the first time, the laugh broke into a thousand pieces and they all went skipping about, and THAT was the beginning of fairies.

Oh dear goodness. Was Cain, the first murderer and son of perdition also the creator of those wonderful little creatures?
How can this beeee?!
I hope God created Adam and Eve as babies. Then Adam's laugh could have been the beginning of fairies.
Come on Bible and Jame Barrie, BE MORE SPECIFIC IN YOUR RECORD KEEPING.

This is something I will have to ponder for a long time.
Probably while listening to Pogo's mashup of Hook, because it's awesome.

Grown-ups are pirates.

We kill pirates.

I always want to be a little kid and have fun!

I think what I mean is, being a grown up is hard.

Mrs. Darling first heard of Peter when she was tidying up her children's minds.

It is the nightly custom of every good mother after her children are asleep to rummage in their minds and put things straight for next morning, repacking into their proper places the many articles that have wandered during the day. If you could keep awake (but of course you can't) you would see your own mother doing this, and you would find it very interesting to watch her. It is quite like tidying up drawers. You would see her on her knees, I expect, lingering humorously over some of your contents, wondering where on earth you had picked this thing up, making discoveries sweet and not so sweet, pressing this to her cheek as if it were as nice as a kitten, and hurriedly stowing that out of sight. When you wake in the morning, the naughtiness and evil passions with which you went to bed have been folded up small and placed at the bottom of your mind and on the top, beautifully aired, are spread out your prettier thoughts, ready for you to put on.

I'm not going to write a ton about my mom, because she gets a birthday post for tomorrow.
But I will say, I love her. She is my best friend. A confidant, a comedian, a beauty, someone to understand me, someone to dance crazy, and someone to laugh until she cries.
I don't know what I would do without her, and even as a snotty teenager unhappy with my parents, and life, there was never a time that I wouldn't tell my mom everything.
Mom, I promise I am working on a mother's day gift, but its not finished.
It'll come soon enough.
I love you. I miss you. I'll see you soon.

a pathetic monday

Poor Travis.

Poor Lauren, Lana, and Sophie.

I am a weepy, blotchy-faced friend if ever they had one.

Today I felt sad. I started getting teary-eyed in Shakespeare while writing homesick poetry. (Stop judging me now, I know how pathetic I am, and that’s the first step.)

Then I walked to Travis’s work.

Midway through my first sentence I lost it.

I sat in his office and sniffled and wiped my eyes for the first half hour I was there.

For the last half-hour I broke down and sobbed.

Then we went to Travis’s house, where I was somewhat more composed.

But I ate a lot of food.

Then to my home, where Lana, Lauren, and Sophie snuggled me, and hugged me, and didn’t make me feel bad for crying at all.

We watched Finding Neverland, and all sobbed together. We went to Macaroni Grille and found that getting a 3 dollar cup of soup, and eating free bread is MORE than filling.

Then home for chocolate.

Home to see Paige.

And the reading aloud of Walt Whitman.

The playing of the guitar and the cursing of finals.

I haven’t been home in well over a year. I probably won’t be home any time soon.

That’s what made me cry today.

For apparently the first time, I realized that when I left home after my senior year of high school, I was signing myself away to maybe a life time elsewhere.

It never occurred to me that I might be leaving forever.

I always assumed that I’d return to raise my babies after a few years around the country or abroad.

But the more I think about it, the less I can believe that I’ll go home again.

This post may seem familiar.

That’s because every time the seasons change, I wish I were in Minnesota.

Spring in Utah means that it’s still winter mixed with summer with weird temperature everyday. There is grey, drizzly rain, and all the trees are blossoming.

Spring in Minnesota means the snow is dirty and melting. There are heavy thunderstorms, and the lakes are melting. The fields are green, and so is everything else, and there are birds making babies in the field behind my house.

The differences are slight, but it’s enough to make me sob all day.

I want to be home.

That’s all.

What would I do without the friends who keep me happy?

If you can't imagine yourself being Peter Pan,

you won't be Peter Pan.


See this lovely book?
I own it. Lana bought it for me in London. On each and every page Lana has written little notes about her activities in Europe. Inside are tickets from plays, and train rides to Scotland. There is a leaf from Kensington Gardens, and grass from Stonehenge, and little British candy wrappers.

(this is a picture Lana took for me in Kensington Gardens)
some entries are very short, they say things like: 24.01.09 South Bank and West End

other entries are very detailed, written in minute handwriting like: Kensington Gardens: the air is cold and the smell of wet earth clings to your nose. There is a hushed awe over the grounds. Small animals and dogs are trotting around busily. A black Scottish Terrier sniffed my calf in greeting. A flock of fattened pigeons lighted around my feet, eager for my charity. I am sitting on a wooden bench, a hundred empty peanut shells are littered around my feet.

I wish I had a camera so that I could take pictures of the beautiful book so everyone could be jealous.

This is my dear friend Lana. Just hanging in Oxford.
For all Lana's stories of Europe and Provo, read her lovely blog.

You got old, Peter. You promised to never get old.

I am no longer a teenager.
I am officially "in my twenties."

How strange.

v-day. (the good kind)

Here's the down low.
I am going to list all the things we did, and support each thing with a photo or two. The above is to show our photo-taking incompetence. Really, everything turned out goofy.
First, not actually on Valentines day, I got this lovely Valentine bowl filled with candy from Travis's mom. Yay! First things first, I ate all the sweet tarts.
Then yesterday I slept in late (9:30, that's a big deal for me.) Travis came to get me at 11, and brought me a rose. We went to Kneaders, (but they were done serving breakfast,) and saw Kendra, Bethany, and Casey, all of us apparently had the same thoughts, because five minutes later we were all at Magleby's for breakfast.
Travis got us a free orange juice because they screwed up our order, and it took like forty minutes to get our food. Yet, it was delicious!
Then we built a fort. Yeah we did. Unfortunately, my roommates had to politely come out and ask us to clean it up. (really?)
We read Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, and then ate lunch and then watched a movie in our sweet fort.
We went afterward to Gloria's Little Italy (an hour and a half long wait), and it was very good. Long armed Travis took this awful picture for us.
They gave everyone a flower. I tried to take cute pictures holding it, but they all looked silly, blurry, and dark.
Then we went to Muse where our talented and beautiful friend Maude was performing. She's only 16, yet pretty much the coolest person any of us have ever met. Today I think we're forming a band.
By we I mean, Maude, my boyfriend, and two of my best friends. I will come along, and try to encourage them/think of a band name.
This is a bunch of us at Muse. Though Ryan, Catherine, and Jacob Johnson were all there.
In fact, Jacob Johnson's band played right after Maude. Best part of the evening? When Jacob Johnson took out his book, and sat on the stage reading while the band kept playing for like 15 more minutes. Awesome.
Then we went to Lauren and Sophie's and ate leftovers and watched short films.
All in all.
A good day.

Good morning, Neverland!

This morning, right before I stepped into the JSB I heard bells jingling happily. I'm sure it was someone on a bike, or something, but then I heard someone yell "Good morning, Pan!"
maybe they were yelling "Good morning, JEN," or something likewise.

But this morning, outside my classroom I heard the tinkling of faerie bells, and the wake-up call of the lost boys.
I can't stop smiling.

Well, I'm out 500 dollars (at least)

and I'm feeling a little heart broken.
But here's the deal. I'm not going to London next semester, I'm staying here in Provo, Utah, of all places.
I've wanted to go to London my whole life, but I guess now just isn't the time. Too bad Hilary and Lana will be sending home their pictures of London to me, because I'll be sad, but I'm very happy for them to be able to have that opportunity.
That's what my last post was about, if you were wondering. It took a while for me to get the message, but now that I have, I know that it's right. So, I guess, I'll be seeing you in all the old familiar places.

Queen of Halloween

I love Halloween and live it to its fullest.
:)

Here are some things wonderful about this particular Halloween.
The night before Halloween, I won second place in the men's halloween costume contest at the French Club, as Peter Pan.
If you were wondering why I could get second place, it's because Peter is a boy.
Just a little boy who never grows up.
My costume wasn't even finished yet.


That evening we carved pumpkins. The best pumpkin I have ever carved, which reminds Paige of Patrick.
His name is Chester.
The pumpkins are Left to Right: Lana's -- Slinky Malinki, Lauren -- geez, I forgot, that little guy had a name, and Mine -- Chester.

Then we watched Sixth Sense and Halloween Town (It was a busy night).
We were just honing in our thirteen Halloween Movies of October.
Ready?
1 It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown
2. He loves me, He loves me not
3. Vertigo
4. Halloween Town
6. Sixth Sense
7. Sleepy Hollow
8. The Addams Family
9. The Corpse Bride
10. Hocus Pocus
11. The Little Vampire
12. Casper
and number 13 which we went to in 3D on Halloween Night!
The Nightmare Before Christmas!

Halloween Night:
These are my beautiful roommates:
A lovely Geisha is a kimono she got from Japan. Check out Lana here.

and of course, Frodo Baggins, of the Shire.
You can see Lauren's lovely blog here. But don't get your hopes up, she never updates. :)

All five of us got dressed up, and then took some dates with us to party. Some of us love our costumes and characters more than others.
My roommates got pretty sick of me saying things like "Peter Pan doesn't wear a seatbelt." or, "I wish had a hammock, Peter loves hammocks." But at least Michael, loved to talk about John Stockton in third person too.
Thanks friend. (This is Lauren's Date). Michael's blog is here. Isn't this fun? I love using links to other blogs!
John Stockton.

Here is the group upon leaving our dorm.

We have Jackie O. (Hilary) and her date, The Mailman (Jonny), Frodo and her date John Stokton, Paige the Cowgirl, Peter Pan, The Geisha, and her Date The RM. (You can't tell, but he was wearing dress shoes and had a ring in his pocket. Oh, Patrick. We will miss you.)
Why, Becky, you may say, where is your date?
He didn't come to the movie, but he came later for the rest of the fun.
This is he: Macord Johnson: Pirate
We werealso joined by Ryan Bingham, otherwise known as Jeff Goldbloom.


First we went to Nightmare Before Christmas, then off to the first party.
The Lee's, Lauren's family. They made us homemade doughnuts, apple cider, and there was lots of nineties music going on. Mary and Daryl were dressed as Thing 1 and Thing 2, and it was wonderful, as they are both BYU Professors, and almost all of us had had at least one of them in class.
I currently have Daryl for French Cinema. Geez, I hope I get an A in that Class. Sophie and Spenser had joined us for the movie, and were there at the Party, but I realize now I don't have a single picture of the Lady Bug, and her boyfriend, Backpack Boy.

After the Lee's Lana and Patrick headed home to watch a movie, and the rest of us went to a dance party. Lana took her camera and so the pictures end here. We were at the second party for like an hour, before moving on to another, where we stayed for like a half hour, and then another for maybe 40 minutes. Of course by then it was late, and we were hungry. We ate at the Village Inn, where we got tricked, into buying boiling water and a tea packet, in place of Camomile. And I downed some fries (with the "help" of Jeff Goldbloom) while freezing.
Guess what.
I only just woke up.
It was a good night. a really, really good night.
On a second, Halloween note. This is my beautiful family. The Nerd, the Pumpkin, and the Kitty. Check out the family blog, here. And GUESS WHAT! Last night at dance party 1, I got a special call from the Pumpkin who is COMING TO VISIT!
I think I want to have a come meet my sister Mary Party on Monday night, since you all know all about her.
I will. Just come love her.
Happy First of November.

doing math doesn't usually make me feel better

I hate math. But today, I can't stop myself.
Adding and subtracting, then going over it all again to see if I did all my math right.
9,000 minus all the money I'm pretending I have and can get.
9,000 = study abroad in England.
9,000 = Four months in the only real place I've wanted to live my whole life. (Of course, I wanted to live in all those fake places, MiddleEarth, NeverLand, Narnia. The problem is, all those authors were from England, so in my mind, all those places are England.)
9,000 = Walking on the roads and in the churches and the parks that were home to every one of my favorite artists

9,000 - 1,500 potential scholarship = 7,500

7,500 - 2640 Pell Grant = 4,860

4,860 - the maybe 1,200 I can have in about four months if I stop eating normal foods = 3,660

now what?
Student Loans? I can work until I get out of school and not pay interest.
100 a month for three years and be free.

I think I feel better.
I think it's worth it.
Three years? Ramen Noodles and Rice only? Working every weekend?
I think it's worth it.

oh, wait, plus airfare. Bah.
I'm used to not being able to afford the things I want at college. It's all part of the experience, or so I hear. The only thing I'm not used to is my new source of comfort.

I cannot listen to music because my Ipod seems to be on England Shuffle, and the Clash keep singing "London Calling," and then the Beatles can sing anything at all, and I go crazy.

I cannot surf the internet, because I end up on Wikipedia reading about Stonehedge, googling images of Oxford, watching the British Office, or writing whiney posts on my blog.
Good Grief, I don't even get half the British Office's jokes, and I can't stop watching it.

I cannot watch my dear comfort movies, my favorite Disneys of all time, now can I? No, of course not. No Robinhood or Peterpan, no Mary Poppins for you, sob bucket.

I especially cannot read because three quarters of the books on my overflowing bookshelf are British. I read the words "Westminster Abbey" and go into frantic, hyperventilating mode. I started reading Peter Pan, and Peter himself apparently once lived in Kensington Gardens. THE DORMS ARE ACROSS THE STREET FROM KENSINGTON GARDENS!

GGGAAHHH!

Becky, please! Go do your math.

Bloody Hell, London. I want you so bad.



Whose bright idea was it to sign up for two British Literature classes at once?
Oh, right. Mine.
I'm sorry, so sorry Keats. I'm sorry Wordsworth, I'm sorry Shelley. I'm sorry Byron.
I'm sorry Chaucer, I'm sorry weird Catholic Monks who wrote all the stories is the 1300's. I'm sorry.
I'll try to do better. Control myself.
But please, use your magic, bring me to London.
I believe in you.

Clap your hands if you believe.